if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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