life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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