I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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