she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize