Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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