I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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