i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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