I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
