my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
