I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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