the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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