he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
