I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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