Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
