trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
