oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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