Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
