god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
