when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize