I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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