yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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