Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
