bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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