glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
