I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
