Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
