so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
