woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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