don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
