Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This house was built for laser tag.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
