All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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