My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
