sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You are a genius and a whore.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
