1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
