i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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