Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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