I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
