the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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