I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
