he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
