I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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