his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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