I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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