your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
