i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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