went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
