I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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