Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
