Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
