After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
