i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
