i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
