I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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