M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Pants are for mortals
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
