And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
