i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
