i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
