I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
