woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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