I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
