I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
