she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
