How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i dont even know how to be here
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
