It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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