Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize