now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
