Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
