I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
