I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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