Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize